Writing. Writing. And More Writing. Can I be Disciplined Enough to Write Consistently?
What I am doing now is exploring whether or not I can consistently write; about the many things I have said I want to write about.
What is it about my brain that is so contrarian, so resistant to routine and commitment to a structure, to trudging along day after day to get a project done? Is it because I may have ADD (attention deficit disorder)? Is it just too hard for me to do one thing for a long-term, because something in my brain thinks “this is boring now,” or do I just want to resist doing some task(s) I’ve said I will do, because now it’s a “job” and somehow in my mind I must resist doing a “job”?
Fun anecdote: When I was in college, getting my bachelor’s degree in business management through an online program, I had to write constantly. Because writing, either in an online forum to discuss the subject material, or writing essay after essay, was the primary mode of communication, since it was a 100% online curriculum. Eventually, I got to a point in my second year when I would routinely break down in utter despair, crying on my bed, bemoaning the fact that I had to write yet another (10th or 20th) paper. It felt like hell to me. I had to really do some mental gymnastics to get through all those essays and reports I had to write. But I did get through them, and I earned my bachelor’s degree with a high GPA (that feels like something I must note; I had excellent grades, even though it sometimes really felt like torture).
I am now exploring whether or not I can consistently write about the many things I have said (and outlined—quite extensively) I want to write about. Writing really has been on my mind and in my heart for a LONG time. I have bounced around so many ideas to write about. I have felt the call to write, and I seem to love it when I have the freedom to just dive in and indulge in some writing, for myself, if for no one else. But…there’s also this other side of me, as I mentioned, that may decide it’s all too much work. Will I choose to, instead, balance my checkbook or manage my 401k portfolio, or do the dishes, fold laundry, wash the car, or decide to focus on any other distraction/responsibility?
In an effort to move my writing forward, I recently signed up for the #1000wordsofsummer challenge. I’m calling it a “challenge,” though I am not sure its founder, Jami Attenberg—author of this Substack: Craft Talk, expressly brands it as such, but it IS most definitely a challenge for ME, and probably for many of the 4,000+ writers who have participated in years past, and/or who will participate anew starting June 17th. It asks its writers to “write 1000 words each day at home or wherever you write.” Jami will send out emails to us, her participants, each day (each and every DAY!) encouraging us to write. Additionally, she says that “…Most days another published author will contribute additional thoughts on creativity, productivity, inspiration and more to the letter.”
That all sounds so wonderful! I love it! But…I don’t know if I can write 1000 (!!) words a day. Jami says this is the equivalent of about four typed pages double-spaced. She claims this is a good number, from her perspective, as an accomplished writer (my qualifying adjective) because: “If I write 1000 words a day, five days a week, give or take time for edits, research, and other job responsibilities, I can finish a messy-as-hell first draft in about six months. It usually takes me another six months to get it in enough shape to be able to share it with other people.”
OK. One-thousand words. It seems like a lot to me right now. But, maybe I can do it. I certainly must try! (And, I think along with the 1000 words a day, I will set aside a certain amount of time to do this; say, one to one and a half hours a day. Time is the most constrained and non-renewable resource, after all. I must make a plan to structure it or this will all be for naught.)
I have several subjects outlined in a Word document that I might explore. Subjects range in topic from analyzing my dysfunctional family and early childhood/adolescence trauma, to documenting the journey of finding my “lost” step-dad (who I haven’t seen since I was 11), to retracing all the homes I lived in as a grade-schooler and making a visual map (photographing said homes) so I can finally solidify—outside of my head—a record of the places I lived during my young life, to my thoughts on aging, perimenopause, being a mother, overcoming anxiety of motherhood, correcting generations of abandonment and low self-esteem in my child (if that is possible), to the joys of listening to and playing music and loving musicians [some enduring favorites are Paul McCartney, John Lennon, George Harrison (yes, The Beatles), Jeff Tweedy and Wilco, and others.], to marriage, love, friendship, loneliness, self-fulfillment apart from secular work, etc. etc.
Or…I may just do more spur-of-the-moment, freeform, stream of consciousness writing, which seems to suit my possible ADD-brain best. I may just call it something like “My Morning Thoughts” and let it be a diary brain dump, as it were. I always seem to have interesting thoughts upon waking in the morning, especially after I’ve had a few sips of my vibrantly green matcha. I think this may be the ticket for me. Just typing these words—my mind has perked up—and my body has too; I’ve sat up more straight in my chair, and I don’t feel as much like closing my eyes (ha!).
I will try to enjoy all of this while also letting it be an exploration of “Why” this is my behavior. I’ll let the structure be there, but I won’t necessarily make myself stay in it. My writing in the coming days, weeks, months will be a loose “I want to” kind of task. I’ll employ just enough structure to make it happen. I like that.
