I quit my job yesterday. I am exhilarated and terrified all at once. It just had to happen. I could no longer ignore several physical and mental symptoms; actual reactions to spending my hours and days in what felt like the wrong way to live my one precious life, in constant anguish and torment.
Am I being a little dramatic? Sure. But then again, no, not really. In the last few months, I experienced chronic, intense gastrointestinal issues (the kind that makes you fear being too far away from a toilet), extreme brain fog, and an absolute inability—an involuntary mental refusal—to concentrate on my work, with an overlay of total malaise.
I had to trust my heart, my gut, my inner voice that was saying: “Listen to this. You can’t ignore what your body is telling you. This is not what you should be doing anymore.”
So now, do I have a plan? Not entirely. I plan to find a new job, relatively soon. But I am taking a moment. I am taking a breather. It’s as though I am standing in a great, open field... I am staring out into the vast unknown. I feel a little thrill building up in my soul, realizing…anything is possible!
Into the great wide open
Under them skies of blue
Out in the great wide open
A rebel without a clue…1
But invariably…of course…self-doubt is a lingering grizzly monster waiting just outside my door. However, I will keep that monster at bay, as I say to myself: I am quitting my job… like it’s my job. Not having a job will be my job. I will find a way to make unemployment work. At least for a little while, as I plot my course and find my way to the next right thing.
We will scrimp and save, and we’ll change our lifestyle as a family. We will cancel entertainment streaming subscriptions (starting with those we don’t even use); we will stop buying non-essential items from Amazon Prime. I will sell the excess items I/we possess (i.e., get rid of all our crap!). I will try to cut spending any way I can.
When I was reading Jeff Tweedy’s book, “Let's Go (So We Can Get Back): A Memoir of Recording and Discording with Wilco, Etc.2” a few months ago, I was struck by his account of walking away from a record deal (I believe it was) that just wasn’t right, and thinking he’d rather use phonebooks for toilet paper than do something he didn’t really want to do3. That inspired me. I found myself wondering… if I would be willing to make that decision, if I felt the same way. And now I can affirm, the answer is: YES.
(Now if only we had a stack of phonebooks.)
[EDIT] Some minor/major details: I made this decision only after careful deliberation and deep reflection for several months; after many, many conversations with my husband about the pros and cons of leaving my well-paying job. My husband makes a decent salary, though it’s not as much as he probably deserves. We have some savings built up; much of it from the proceeds of my father’s estate selling a year ago. (I shared some proceeds with my four older siblings and my dad’s widow. It is not enough to be a primary resource, but it does provide a small buffer. For which I feel quite fortunate.) Our cars are paid off. We don’t have to pay for childcare anymore. Our mortgage is not ridiculously high. Although we do live in a town that has a very high cost of living, we will navigate the grocery and utility bills the best we can. I will get creative about how we procure our necessities. As I said, being unemployed will become my job, for the interim. I will take time to de-stress. I will call and schedule the needed medical appointments to make sure something more serious is not going on in my body; in my intestines and bowels; in my heart and reproductive system. I will take care of myself, and my dear family. All of which is the most important job there is.
OK, this song IS fitting, but I am not saying I am a “rebel without a clue.” Though I suppose I am being a bit of a rebel, because leaving a job is not historically a socially or culturally acceptable choice in our modern American world. Though, again, in the COVID age many are choosing to leave a less-than-desirable job. But I don’t think I am “without a clue.” Anyway…thank you for this song, Tom Petty! It’s a good one. :)
Let's Go (So We Can Get Back) by Jeff Tweedy: 9781101985274 | PenguinRandomHouse.com: Books
Apologies to Jeff Tweedy if I am completely butchering this account from your book. I will go back and find the actual passage and correct this as soon as I can. Thank you